What the Dickens
by ss9
Summary: BBC Servants, a new Dickens's novel is out and both butler and housekeeper a determined to get the first copy!


- - -

Passing through the crowded streets of Tappleton there was only one thought on Flora Ryan's mind as she dodged barrows and rather dirty children; she simple had to beat him to it. The man was just unbearable, every time there had been a new Dicken's out their august Butler was always the first to find a copy, the first to read and memorise and the first to oh so wittily use quotes from it to pepper the Upper Servants dinner conversation. Honestly the way everyone fawned over him because of it, the silly ladies maid's giggling behind their hands fluttering their eyelashes pathetically at the oh so amusing Mr Jarvis. It made her stomach turnover and it quite put her off any dessert. Well this was going to be an end to it. This time she was going to get a copy the day it arrived in Tappleton, and it didn't matter if she had to sit up all night to finish it she would be the one not the Butler to review and pass comment on it first.

Smiling at the very rightness of her plan Flora stepped into Tappleton's only bookshop, nodding politely at the owner who was serving a customer she decided to scout around for the book she was looking for herself to save time. D...D...Da...De...Di...Dib...Come on come on...Her eyes scanned the shelves quickly before realising she wanted the shelf opposite, whirling around she narrowly avoided bumping into another customer, but so engrossed was she in her search she barely muttered more than a sorry as she descended on the Dicken's section. There it was...

Reaching out her hand settled on the red leather bound book at precisely the same moment as the man she had bumped into. Whirling round to glare at the man's impudence her rage was only compounded when she spotted all too familiar face. "Mr Jarvis!"

"Mrs Ryan a pleasure.." The Butler replied obviously waiting for the housekeeper to move her hand which she stubbornly refused to do.

"I was here first Mr Jarvis..."

"I had my hand on the book first...See your hand is covering mine..." The butler replied amiably.

"A gentleman would let the lady have it and go find his own copy." Flora replied tersely inwardly fuming at his flippant attitude.

"Ah...There seems to be a problem with that." The shopkeeper suddenly announced, the small feeble owner quailed slightly as both butler and housekeeper turned to glare at him.

"And what problem would that be exactly?"

"Well that is the last copy...It proved rather popular. I do have another order coming in later in the week..." He trailed of hopefully, that hope dying when he caught sight of the pair's thunderous expressions. "That is the best I can do I am afraid."

Smiling her warmest smile Flora recovered quickly. "Oh that doesn't matter I am sure Mr Jarvis being the gentleman that he is he will be only too happy to wait." Smirking inwardly she gloated, she would love to see him be able to get out of that without his reputation still intact.

"I would be only too happy to Mrs Ryan but..." That caused the housekeeper's smile to freeze in place. "I needed the copy today as well you see I go and read to old Mr Steven's on my day's off, only for an hour or so, the poor man did used to love his books so but well since he has lost his sight..."

Gritting her teeth the housekeeper tried valiantly to keep her pleasant expression on her face whilst raking her brain for a solution, only Jarvis would use a crippled blind man as his excuse for ungentlemanly behaviour, and if she refused to back down it would do irreparable damage to her own character and yet. "How very kind of you...You are so good to spend what little free time you have on others..." Flora gushed watching as the butler reddened under such heavy praise, his conscience obviously pricking him slightly as the housekeeper doubted very much he spent longer then ten minutes with the old butler. "I think it should only be fair to share such a burden, I would be only to happy to visit Mr Steven's on your behalf this afternoon. I am sure he would enjoy the change in company and at least once in a while you could take some time for yourself Mr Jarvis."

"Oh I couldn't possibly..." The Butler retorted his expression hardening as did his grip on the book as he tried to tug it out of her grasp, but the Flora was just as determined and she held on with all of her strength.

"I absolutely insist."

"No Mrs Ryan you are too kind."

"Not at all Mr Jarvis." Yet with each verbal retort the book was tugged this way and that until the poor bookseller was positively turning green with horror.

"Stop! My poor book...Put it down before you break it...I can sell it to another customer just leave both of you...OUT!"

"But Mr...

"OUT!"

Surprised by the normally timid man's sudden change of character both butler and housekeeper hurried towards the shop door, wincing slightly when the door was slammed shut after them. For a moment both stood silent unable to quite believe what had happened before the inevitable happened. "That was all your fault!"

"My fault?" The butler snorted all pretence at civility abandoned as he faced off against the housekeeper.

"Yes yours if you were anything like a gentleman..."

"Oh that old chestnut, I wondered how long you would wait be throwing that accusation at me again, honestly Flora can't you come up with something new you had the five months we were in Cumberland to think up some new ones."

"Do not call me that!" The housekeeper practically spat, her pale facing slowly turning puce. "You have no business calling me..."

"Flora...Flora...Flora...Or Florry or simple Flor or even Flo." Jarvis retorted enjoying the housekeeper's rapidly changing colour. "We are not at Taplows now Miss Ryan so I hardly think I am under any household restrictions!"

"You...You..."

"As much fun as it is standing here waiting for you to come up a suitable retort I have much better things to be doing so..."

"Oh you think you can fool me Mr Jarvis, as soon as I have turned the corner you'll come right back here and buy that book." Flora retorted knowingly smirking as the butler flinched slightly. "So I think I will wait here for you to leave first..."

"And what will stop you from going back in for the book yourself Mrs Ryan?"

"Nothing." The Housekeeper replied sweetly. "I have every intention of doing so as soon as you leave."

"Then I hate to disappoint you but I won't be leaving!"

After five minutes of waiting for the other to give up the pair began to eye the sky worriedly and glance at the village clock.

"Do you mean to stand here all afternoon Flora?"

"If I have to." Was the housekeeper's curt reply.

"Fine." The butler added crossing his arms in an attempt to act nonchalant as the first tap of rain made itself felt on his sleeve. "Perhaps we might adjourn this to somewhere under cover." The butler motioned to the covered walkway opposite the bookshop by the guildhall.

"Perhaps you are right..." The housekeeper managed to screech out as the heavens opened and taking the butler's arm they both darted to the relative safety across the street.

Shivering as they tried to keep the cold out the pair continued to ignore the other their eyes fixed on the shop opposite when suddenly a well dressed gentleman under an umbrella appeared round the corner and disappeared into the bookshop. Glancing at each other in horror they could see the same thought reflected in the other's eyes, what if he bought it before either of them could. Darting out into the rain both tried to push the other out of the way, settling for a enforced truce as they stood before the bookshop door, the rain quickly soothing any appetite either had for a prolonged struggle.

"This is ridiculous!" The butler huffed.

"Indeed, but what can we do?" Flora retorted pushing her rain soaked hair out of her face. "You won't let me buy it and I refuse to let you...We are at an impasse."

"I know!" The butler exclaimed clapping his hands together as inspiration struck. "We can buy it together...Then read it a chapter at a time...I can have it first..."

"Oh No!"

"Fine then let our well heeled friend in there buy and neither of us will get to read it till next month!"

"Alright we'll buy it together...But we'll read it together as well!"

"How on earth are we going to manage that, I am not going to read the whole book aloud to you woman!"

"You'll not need to I can read just as fast as you can Mr Jarvis if not faster!"

"Fine then." The butler retorted opening the door and virtually pushing the housekeeper back inside. "You distract the other buyer...I'll get that book."

And that was exactly that they did.

- - -

"Oh come in my boy...Do come in..." Old Mr Steven's leaned heavily on his stick as he ushered his visitors into his humble abode. "Moira tea...Damn girl where has she got to...Tea for three." He mumbled absently to himself as he eased himself down into his fireside chair leaving Mrs Ryan and Mr Jarvis to perch awkwardly on a rather small and lumpy chaise lounge. "It is so nice of you to visit and to bring your lovely wife Walter such a treat."

"This is Mrs Ryan the housekeeper...She's not my wife." The butler snapped.

"Ehhh?" The old man grunted cupping his ear. "You'll have to speak up. I'm a little deaf...A good housekeeper is she, well that's good, honestly some women today seem to have no idea take my girl...MOIRA.." He screeched at the top of his voice. "She's flighty...Head always in the clouds, the young these days I ask you!" He scoffed in amusement at his own joke whilst the housekeeper simply looked on in bewilderment as the kitchen door opened and in waddled a woman who was fifty if she was a day.

"You rang my lord?" She asked in a bored tone, rolling her eyes as the old man cupped his deaf ear. "You wanted something?"

"Speak up girl...Tea for my good friend Walter and his lovely wife."

"I'm not his wife." Flora tried once more to explain but the old man frowned and muttered something about foreign accents.

"What was that my dear, you're from Fife?"

Rolling her eyes Flora turned and caught Walter's amused expression. She shot him a look that clearly questioned the former butler's sanity, and a smirking Walter made a small crazy gesture with his hand that the housekeeper could only agree with. "Remember this was your idea." He muttered under his breath. "I offered to go home but oh no you insisted we had to visit the old man!"

However Old Mr Steven's was still pondering the previous conversation. "Scottish aye ah well nobody is perfect, at least you're not Welsh or Irish...Dear me who is that Irish filly you're always moaning about Walter, you know the one you always say needs a man to give her a good..."The Old man continued despite the sudden choking noises his guest was making. "A good...oh how did you put it...oh hiding that's right..." He broke off snorting with laughter not noticing when neither of his guests joined him.

"So she needs a good hiding does she Mr Jarvis?" Flora hissed her eyes narrowing to slits as the butler squirmed about uncomfortably, eyeing up the nearest exit hungrily. Yet before he could make his excuse's Moira reappeared ladened down with the tea tray, and Flora was forced to go through the role of mother and pour both the men she would rather strangle a cup of tea.

"Your tea Mr Jarvis...One lump or two?"

"Two thank you Mrs Ryan."

"Cream?"

"Yes a little."

"Arsenic?" The Housekeeper muttered softly so Old Mr Steven's eh'd and asked her to speak up. "Or lemon?"

"Just cream would be fine Mrs Ryan." The Butler insisted retrieving the cup before Flora could do anything horrible to it.

Settling into sipping their tea and nibbling at the truly horrible cake Moira had brought out, conversation soon lapsed and instead the butler an housekeeper continued their silent staring competition, the butler nodding towards the mantle clock in a clear indication they should be on their way but Flora wasn't about to let him off for the 'good hiding' comment that easily.

"Mr Steven's Walter said he often reads to you...And well today is very special, he as a new Dicken's for you."

"Who...Ehh...Chickens a book about poultry I am no farmer my dear..."

"No Dickens." Flora replied loudly. "Charles Dickens!"

"Oh how wonderful my favourite...Whenever you are ready Walter."

Clenching his jaw the butler wondered for a moment if he would get away with administering that good hiding before he was forced to read aloud and repeat every other word for the old man's benefit. However realising it would be over the sooner he started he retrieved the book and began to read.

- - -

"You are a truly evil woman!" Jarvis hissed as they finally escaped the confines of old Mr Steven's home.

"You deserved it." Flora replied smugly, it had been most gratifying to see Mr Jarvis turn that shade of purple when he had had to repeat the same sentence five times. A part of her had actually enjoyed the sound of his voice as he skilfully brought Dicken's prose to life, so engrossed in the book were they that neither had noticed when the old man had dropped off to sleep as save for the incessant interruptions he had added little to the conversation. It was only when the clock had struck the hour that both realised how late it had become and that they had better be heading back to Taplows.

Making their way to the inn Flora waited outside whilst the butler disappeared inside to enquire about a carriage to take them back to the big house. Fortunately the rain had long since stopped and the early evening was clear with a lovely flaming sunset lighting up the sky.

"Blast…" The Butler reappeared muttering under his breath clearly unhappy about something. "The lad is out at the moment, should be back within half an hour…" He added casting a longing glance back at the pub.

"No." The housekeeper added sharply. "I will not be seen in an inn, honestly what would people think the both of us together in such a place?"

Nodding the butler had to admit the logic of her argument, if they were spotted together in a tavern on their day off tongues would wag and the gossip would spread to Taplows faster than a case of smallpox, or in the case of his footmen syphilis. "Perhaps a short walk then…The Park, no one could twist a simple stroll into something sordid!"

Accepting the butler's arm the pair made their way across the square and into the small park that surrounded the churchyard. However if the butler had thought a walk in the park couldn't possibly have been twisted into more than it was he was certainly wrong. It had taken him a few minutes to notice, he had been somewhat distracted by the flora and fauna, but after a while even he noticed the suspicious number of couples they seemed to be passing. At first he had always smiled politely and nodded his greeting to every couple that they passed but the further they walked around the park it seemed that his head was almost constantly bobbing up and down. However it took passing an oblivious hand holding love struck pair for him to realise just what ritual he and Flora had inadvertently gate crashed. Glancing across at the housekeeper he could tell from her blush and strained expression that the penny had also dropped with her.

"Perhaps we should…" He muttered nodding towards the small gazebo by the duck pond.

"An excellent suggestion Mr Jarvis." The housekeeper spluttered when one of the loved up couples dared to look at the older pair and giggle. "Away from prying eyes."

Quickening their pace they soon arrived at the gazebo, both breathing a sigh of relief when they were cut off from the inquisitive gazes of Tappleton's many courting couples.

"That was…" The butler began but on catching Flora Ryan's pale and stunned face he whirled round to see what had so shocked her. "Oh My!"

Whether it was from shock or pure embarrassment Walter just couldn't tear his eyes away, he had seen and in fact done much worse himself as a footman so perhaps it was just that he wasn't expecting to come across a canoodling couple whilst out walking with Flora Ryan of all people; especially not such an enthusiastic pair. Perhaps it was a trifle sadistic of him but he couldn't help glancing back at the housekeeper. Her reaction was slightly different than he had expected, instead of exclaiming in horror and shielding her eyes from such fornication, the housekeeper seemed winded, her mouth open in shock and her eyes wide as if she just couldn't look away.

"Flora…" He muttered gently reaching out to take her hand, surprised he felt her shudder at his touch before she tried to struggle free. Tightening his grip she glared up at him clearly furious but there was also something else, perhaps a lingering fear, and the butler suddenly realised the thought that must be pounding through her mind. "I didn't know…I swear…I would never."

"Didn't you?"

However the butler never had the chance to explain as their argument had disturbed the kissing couple and they were staring at the arguing servants in bewilderment. "Errr Ma'am Sir…We'll just be going…" The young chap insisted helping his blushing girl to her feet as she fumbled with her buttons. "Seats nice and warm for you." He added winking jovially at the butler, his smile quickly evaporating when the older couple glared back at him. "Come on Doris…We'd better get you home….Don't ask me lass…Poor sod doesn't look like he's going to get any…"

"Flora…Mrs Ryan." The butler corrected himself when he caught sight of her clenched jaw and fuming expression. "I honestly didn't know, I swear on my honour." He added sincerely watching as her anger began to abate.

"Alright I believe you." Flora replied before darting out of the gazebo and on to the park striding back in the direction of the pub. Relieved the butler fell into step beside her before foolishly adding.

"It's ridiculous even to think it, I mean what on earth could they have thought that you and I would…well that anyone of our age and respectability would sneak around like a pair of love struck fools. I mean just look at us…"

"And what is so very different about us from the rest of the human race Mr Jarvis?" The housekeeper asked icily freezing on the spot so the butler had to whirl round to face her. "Most people marry and have children so it hardly takes a leap of the imagination to understand how such a mistake could take place."

"Yes but to think you and I…Married why that is preposterous! How on earth could people even think for one moment…I mean you…Well I mean I am not the marrying kind." The Butler blustered, watching, as the housekeeper grew slowly crosser.

"What you mean to say is that it should be unthinkable for people to assume you would marry someone like me isn't that it…" She retorted sharply her voice wavering dangerously and for a moment the butler almost thought she was on the point of tears. "Or that you would even deign to dally however casually with me, not even a quick grope no matter how meaningless in a park. That is what you are trying to say isn't it, that such thoughts should be so preposterous to others as they clearly are to you!" Breaking off her tirade the housekeeper pushed past him and began storming down the path as if the very hounds of hell were at her heels.

"Flora…Wait…I'm sorry…I…Woman dammit stop!" The butler huffed as he tried to catch her up, worried when she finally did stop only to keep her back to him, her shoulders shaking most disturbingly. "I didn't mean it like that…I was worried that you would be offended not the other way round I swear to you."

When she didn't answer he realised his suspicions were probably true. Reaching into his pocket he wordlessly handed over his handkerchief. For a long moment she stared down at it suspiciously before accepting it. "It's just something in my eye…" She mumbled and the butler diplomatically let it go waiting until she had composed herself before offering his arm and in a rather strained silence they made their way back to the carriage.

- - -

Dinner had been awkward, no it had more than awkward, it had been excruciating. It was the worst thing had been between them, worse than during even the debacle over the wages when he had been sure she would turn him in, and he had never thought things could sink lower than that but now she wouldn't even look at him. It was entirely his fault; he had been acting like a boar with a sore head all day and then he had blundered in with those stupid words not thinking of how it might sound. He had insulted her cruelly; he might as well have called her an ugly old sow to her face, as the effect would have been the same.

She wouldn't even look at him; in the carriage she had pointedly ignored his attempts at conversation and after a while he had given up trying; yet couldn't say she was sulking and using her silence as a way to punish him. If she had done so he could have shrugged it off as another one of her exasperating characteristics, yet more proof of her inability to take a joke. Instead she had seemed to retreat into herself, it was almost as though she hadn't heard him at all rather than she was ignoring him. Even when anyone else tried to engage her in conversation over dinner, he noted they often had to repeat themselves several times before she surfaced enough to answer them back. After a while her fellow servants seemed to give up and so instead a rather forced conversation took place around and over her head whilst a concerned butler's eyes never left her vacant face.

So thanks to his pricking conscience the butler found himself hanging around nervously outside the housekeeper's room, shifting intermittently from one foot to another just as he had as a child outside the head's office whenever he had done something naughty. Squashing down the very real feeling of fear he raised his hand and knocked. For a few moments he stood waiting for the invitation to enter that never came. Cross that she would so deliberately ignore him the butler knocked again, louder this time, certain that the official nature of knock would undoubtedly raise the housekeeper in her if nothing else; but still there was no answer.

Glancing down at the peace offering that was clutched in his hand he wondered if there was a way to slip it under the door, or perhaps wedge it in a place she was bound to notice, it wasn't until he tried to balance between the frame and handle that he actually tried the doorknob surprised when it turned easily under his fingers. For a moment he stood on the cusp of a decision before thinking what the hell and slipping surreptitiously into the housekeeper's bedroom, intending merely to leave the book somewhere obvious for when she returned.

He hadn't been expecting to come face to face with a bleary eyed housekeeper who immediately leapt out of her skin and reached for the nearest shawl to cover her less than respectable attire, and for a moment the butler caught a flash of corset and a neatly synched waist, creamy bare shoulders sliding down to a rather more ample than expected bosom.

"Mr Jarvis!" The Housekeeper hissed immediately slamming the door behind the butler shut just in case any junior staff member might overhear them. "What in god's name are you doing?"

"I…I came to give you this." The butler thrust the book out in front of him like a shield. "And to apologise once more. I should never have said those things earlier they were cruel." And he added mentally to himself definitely now not the case, his eyes sliding over her barely concealed figure.

Pulling the shawl tighter round herself, which actually had the opposite effect the one she had probably intended the housekeeper coughed pointedly watching as the butler suddenly realised just who he was ogling and dragged his eyes up to meet her eyes and only her eyes. "Why?"

Confused the butler eventually realised she meant the book that he was clutching so hard his knuckles were slowly turning white. "Ahhh well consider it a token of my…well of how sorry I am." He added when he realised just what it must have sounded like he was going to say. "Here please you have it!"

Accepting the book Flora turned it over slowly her fingers running along the pages and the last crease from where they had finished earlier. "I can't take it…"

"What?"

"Well you had already apologised about that, I was being childish, what is the rhyme stick and stones and all that well I should have behaved better, so I really can't take it."

"Well I refuse to take it back." Walter retorted sharply causing Flora to glance up in surprise.

"I insist Mr Jarvis."

"And I am adamant Mrs Ryan!" The butler added a small smile tugging at his lips, which Flora quickly returned. "It seems we are at an impasse once more does it not?"

"It does indeed." She replied before offering him her other chair. "Where did we leave off?"

"Page 34 I believe, but if I am to be reading aloud at least let me obtain a spot or refreshment first."

Smiling at her confusion the butler laid the book down on the chair before slipping down the corridor to his own room, picking up his half empty bottle of brandy and the tumbler he kept by his bed he paused for a moment before impulsively picking up the spare and heading back to her room. Pushing the door open with his foot he caught her red handed book in hand, her other hand twirling a lock of around her fingers completely oblivious to his presence. So for a moment he simply stood and admired the view waiting for that inevitable moment she realised he had caught her out.

He didn't have long to wait, as if feeling the butler's hot eyes on her the housekeeper suddenly glanced up, her cheeks flushing slightly at the open expression of admiration on the butler's face. Then her eyes flickered to the brandy bottle and she gaped in surprise. "Spirits Mr Jarvis?"

"Medicinal purposes only Mrs Ryan." The butler quipped pouring them both a glass and forcing it into the stunned housekeeper's hand. "To old acquaintances." He toasted nodding graciously in the housekeeper's direction warmed when she smiled easily and took a sip of the brandy.

"Now where were we?"

- - -


End file.
